"You Do You" is Satan's Counterfeit for "Love One Another"

This is something that I have been wanting to write about for a long time, but haven’t understood it well enough to try until recently.

I’ll start with some background. Several years ago when I was studying at BYU, I considered myself to be a pretty free-thinking, open-minded individual (especially in ultra-conservative Provo). In my mind, being “free-thinking” and “open-minded” meant that I had adopted this you-do-you attitude that has been growing in popularity among young adults for many years. My open-minded opinion at the time was something like this:

God has told us to “love one another” (John 13:34, 15:12), and to “judge not, that ye be not judged” (Matthew 7:1; 3 Nephi 14:1). So in order to follow that counsel and love everyone, I have to accept that everyone has their agency to make whatever decisions they want, and it’s none of my business what decisions they choose make. I can make the decisions that I want to make, but I have no place telling someone else that the decisions they are making are wrong.

 

Well—after a lot of soul searching, studying, praying, and pondering, I am coming to understand that (after typical Satan fashion) that attitude is only partly true; but it’s true enough to convince a lot of us that it's the attitude and behavior that God wants us to adopt.

As it turns out, and quite contrary to popular belief, “you do you” is not the equivalent of “love one another.”

In fact, it’s kind of the opposite.

God Does Not “Accept” Everyone And Everything

There is an important distinction that needs to be made here. The distinction is that accepting that someone can and will exercise their agency however they like does not equate to condoning all of the choices that they make. That is to say, you can love and accept a person while simultaneously not loving or accepting their choices—and that is exactly what we have to figure out how to do. Because that’s what God does. And one of the most important objectives of mortality is to learn to become like Jesus Christ, our perfect example.

There is an account in the New Testament that has never sat well with me because I had never been able to reconcile it until I learned how to reconcile this. The account is in Matthew 21:12-13:

“And Jesus went into the temple of God, and cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers, and the seats of them that sold doves, and said unto them, It is written, My house shall be called the house of prayer; but ye have made it a den of thieves.”

This account looks very much like Christ losing his temper. But Christ was perfect, so it's not likely that he lost his temper. Why the overturned tables, then?

He was making a point. This point. That even though he loves everyone, he does not approve of all of the decisions that we choose to make. And he is not always “nice” about letting us know. He is willing, and often does, call out those individuals that are not living up to his expectations.

See, God is not a “you do you” God. His love for us is not conditional on how righteous we are, but he is very clear about which decisions are right and which decision are wrong. And he will hold us accountable for the decisions that we choose to make.

My favorite quote on this topic as of late comes from a 2014 talk by Elder Holland titled “The Cost—And Blessings—of Discipleship.” He says,  

Sadly enough, my young friends, it is a characteristic of our age that if people want any gods at all, they want them to be gods who do not demand much, comfortable gods, smooth gods who not only don’t rock the boat but don’t even row it, gods who pat us on the head, make us giggle, then tell us to run along and pick marigolds.

Talk about man creating God in his own image! Sometimes—and this seems the greatest irony of all—these folks invoke the name of Jesus as one who was this kind of “comfortable” God. Really? He who said not only should we not break commandments, but we should not even think about breaking them. And if we do think about breaking them, we have already broken them in our heart. Does that sound like “comfortable” doctrine, easy on the ear and popular down at the village love-in?

And what of those who just want to look at sin or touch it from a distance? Jesus said with a flash, if your eye offends you, pluck it out. If your hand offends you, cut it off. “I came not to [bring] peace, but a sword,” He warned those who thought He spoke only soothing platitudes. No wonder that, sermon after sermon, the local communities “pray[ed] him to depart out of their coasts.” No wonder, miracle after miracle, His power was attributed not to God but to the devil. It is obvious that the bumper sticker question “What would Jesus do?” will not always bring a popular response.

At the zenith of His mortal ministry, Jesus said, “Love one another, as I have loved you.” To make certain they understood exactly what kind of love that was, He said, “If ye love me, keep my commandments” and “whosoever … shall break one of [the] least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be … the least in the kingdom of heaven.” Christlike love is the greatest need we have on this planet in part because righteousness was always supposed to accompany it. So if love is to be our watchword, as it must be, then by the word of Him who is love personified, we must forsake transgression and any hint of advocacy for it in others. Jesus clearly understood what many in our modern culture seem to forget: that there is a crucial difference between the commandment to forgive sin (which He had an infinite capacity to do) and the warning against condoning it (which He never ever did even once).

Friends, especially my young friends, take heart. Pure Christlike love flowing from true righteousness can change the world.

Unmistakably, Jesus Christ is very clear about his expectations that we will follow his commandments. So what does this mean for us—the saints of God?

Avoiding Conflict ≠ Loving Each Other

To be absolutely crystal clear, it is never our job to shame or condemn another person for making decisions that are inconsistent with the laws of God. We are to love every single person, regardless of the decisions that they may choose to make. (Remember, none of us are perfect at living God's commandments.)

But here’s the kicker—that does not mean that we should avoid communicating God’s expectation with those that are not living God’s laws. Like Elder Holland said, “If love is to be our watchword, as it must be, then by the word of Him who is love personified, we must forsake transgression and any hint of advocacy for it in others.”

In fact, I don’t know of any scriptural or modern religious reference that suggest that we are to leave others alone in their sin. The entire Book of Mormon is full of people who risk their lives to preach the word of God to people that aren’t living up to those laws, that often have no desire to live God’s laws, and that definitely have no desire to be told what to do. And it’s not just Christ and the prophets that are preaching like this—Amulek comes to mind as an example of a righteous man of God who has been converted to the truth, and travels around with the prophet Alma preaching the word of God to people that don’t always want to hear it. The sons of Mosiah are another great example.

So if all of the scriptural and modern guidance that we have suggests that we should not only be living the laws of God, but encouraging the people around us to do the same, why have we adopted this “you do you” attitude and convinced ourselves that minding our own business means we’re following Christ’s example?

The point is, avoiding conflict does not always mean that we are promoting and expressing love for each other.

At the end of the book of Alma, Moroni learns that some of the Nephites in Zarahemla had turned to wickedness and forced the righteous chief judge, Pahoran, off the judgement seat. Moroni and Pahoran are trying to decide what to do about the situation, when Moroni finally says, “I was somewhat worried concerning what we should do, whether it should be just in us to go against our bretheren. But ye have said, except they repent the Lord hath commanded you that ye should go against them” (Alma 61:19-20).

So they did—they fought against their own people because the Nephites had stopped living the laws of God. And that doesn’t mean that Moroni and Pahoran didn’t love or care for the Nephites—their letters to each other on the subject expressed significant emotional distress regarding the welfare of their people. They obviously cared for the Nephites very much. But they also recognized that their duty was to God first, and the best way that they could show their love for their people was to help them understand that they were not living up to God’s expectations.

And they didn’t act out of religious power or authority—the religious leader at the time was Heleman. Moroni was a general, and Pahoran was a government leader; but they understood that they had a duty to God to promote righteousness, and their love for the Nephites transcended their desire to look the other way and avoid the conflict that would ensue if they confronted the Nephites about their wickedness.  

Motivation is Key

God expects the same from us. President Nelson asked the women of the church during the October 2018 General Conference to read the entire Book of Mormon before the end of the year. As I have been working to complete this challenge, these truths have been impressed on me again and again. Our job, as righteous saints of God, is not to leave others alone in their sin. It is to uplift and encourage the people around us to live up to the laws that God has set for us. And that doesn’t mean that we should shame or condemn others for being imperfect—that is never necessary or helpful, and we are all imperfect. Christ loves everyone, but he does not "accept" the choices that everyone makes all of the time. And we need to learn how to do the same; how to encourage others to understand that God expects them to live up to his commandments—all of his commandments—while making sure that our love for them is our motivation.

It was Moroni’s motivation, after all. The title of liberty that he erected at the beginning of the wars between the Nephites and the Lamanites encouraged the people to make sure their hearts were in the right place—to make sure they were fighting for the right reasons. If they were fighting to protect their liberty and their families, they were blessed. If they were fighting to obtain power and authority, God’s favor was withdrawn.

So it is with us. If our hearts are in the right place when we encourage others to live God’s commandments, we can be certain that our love for others will be our driving motivation. And if love is our motivation, we are able to encourage those around us to live up to God’s commandments while still helping them feel loved, included, and important. 

It is, admittedly, a difficult balance to find. And like I said, I’m not perfect at it either. But I’m trying. And you should too. If you don't know where to start, remember that one of the most important factors in this equation is our own personal conversion; we can't encourage others to live up to God's laws if we aren't living up to them ourselves. Make sure your motivation to live God's commandments is your desire to fulfill the covenants (baptismal and/or temple) that you have made. Make sure your motivation for encouraging others to do the same is to gather Israel, strengthen Zion, and contribute to the building of the Kingdom of God in the last days.

I know it feels like we have a lot being asked of us. And we do. But I promise it will be worth our efforts. It's definitely been worth mine.