As I Have Loved You
I am so disappointed in the behavior of church members
following the statement released by BYU this week.
If you haven’t been following the recent changes to
LGBTQ+ policies in the church, I’ll catch you up quickly.
In February 2020, the church updated the General Handbook.
Part of the updates included rewording the sections about same-sex
relationships and homosexuality to make it more inclusive and more representative
of the doctrine. Following suit, BYU updated the honor code a few weeks later. In response, LGBTQ+ students tentatively approached the honor
code office seeking clarification about what the changes to the honor code
meant, and were informed by the HCO that it meant same-sex dating
(hand-holding, kissing, going on dates) at BYU was okay as long as they lived the
law of chastity like their heterosexual peers (no sexual relations before
marriage).
Two weeks later (4 March 2020), BYU released a statement
“clarifying” the update to the honor code, which included this phrase:
“Same-sex romantic behavior cannot lead to eternal marriage and is therefore
not compatible with the principles included in the Honor Code” (I’ll include
all of these references at the end of the post). Aside from the exasperating
way BYU has navigated these changes, I want to focus on our behavior as Saints
in Zion, representatives of Jesus Christ.
The Doctrine
Obviously, all of these changes have put our LGBTQ+
brothers and sisters through a pretty intense emotional roller coaster the last
few weeks. Their response to this week’s statement, however, wasn’t bitter or
belligerent, as one might expect. It was “we’re scared and hurting.”
Understandably.
The reaction from members of the church, on the other
hand, was inordinately and unnecessarily aggressive.
You guys.
First of all, there is nothing in the doctrine of the Church of Jesus
Christ of Latter-day Saints, at the current time, about who a person can date.
The doctrines of the church relating to this subject are twofold:
1.
Marriage is between a man and a woman, and
2.
To achieve exaltation, you must be sealed in the
temple
And then, of course, the Law of Chastity prohibits
“sexual relations” before marriage.
Same-sex dating relationships are not mutually exclusive with these doctrines.
Same-sex dating relationships are not mutually exclusive with these doctrines.
Remember, there is a very important distinction between
doctrines in the church and the applications of those doctrines (“policy”).
Doctrines don’t change. Policies often do, based on revelation from the Lord
through the prophets. Policies are always rooted in doctrine.
Both the General Handbook and the BYU honor code (by
extension) are reflections of policy;
doctrines are found in the four standard works of scripture, Articles of Faith,
and official declarations and proclamations (source).
Clearly, the Lord believes we’re ready to make some changes to the way we’re
treating and interacting with our LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters in the church,
but we’re struggling a little bit as a church to determine exactly what that
means.
Which is okay. Expected, in fact. Growth can be messy and
uncomfortable. And progress often takes a bit of trial and error before finding
what works and settling into a new normal.
But please, please take
care not to aggressively “preach” to a hurting, vulnerable population about
something that you don’t quite understand. I saw so many members antagonistically
respond to this week’s statement saying, “same-sex relationships will never be
allowed in the church because doctrines don’t change.” This reaction is not
only hurtful (especially when directed toward the affected demographic at an exceptionally
sensitive time), it’s not even true. Because church doctrine specifies who a
person can marry, and not who a person can date, it is possible that
same-sex dating will be permitted in the church eventually.
In fact, we've already taken huge strides as a church in the direction of holding all dating couples (same-sex and heterosexual) to the same standards of chastity. In September 2019, President Nelson addressed BYU students at a devotional in which he discussed these exact themes of doctrine and policy about our LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters (with a strong emphasis on charity). In that devotional, he stated:
In fact, we've already taken huge strides as a church in the direction of holding all dating couples (same-sex and heterosexual) to the same standards of chastity. In September 2019, President Nelson addressed BYU students at a devotional in which he discussed these exact themes of doctrine and policy about our LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters (with a strong emphasis on charity). In that devotional, he stated:
"[The First Presidency has] clarified that homosexual immorality [will] be treated in the eyes of the Church in the same manner as heterosexual immorality" (BYU, The Love and Laws of God, 17 Sept. 2019, source).
When members make inaccurate statements of fact about things they don’t quite understand, they represent the church and its doctrines poorly. Take care not to set yourself up the way N. Eldon Tanner of the first presidency did in 1967 by stating that Blacks would never have the priesthood (a policy at the time), only for President Kimball to receive revelation from the Lord in 1978 that, of course, all worthy men in the church could receive the priesthood regardless of race (a doctrine; source). Taking definite stands about things that aren’t doctrine needlessly hurts God’s children. And I’ve seen so much of that this week in the way members of the church are interacting with our LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters.
Our Interactions Should Always be Motivated by Love
Listen, I get it. I get where these members are coming
from. These saints want to stand up for and defend the doctrines and policies
of the church, even if they don’t quite understand the relationship between the
two. And yeah, it is our responsibility as saints of God to uphold God’s laws
and the standards of the church. For sure.
But it’s also important to understand that not every moment is a teaching moment. We
need to use discretion sometimes about when and how we’re teaching others the
laws of God.
In 2017 during a Face to Face with young adults, Elder M.
Russell Ballard was asked about how to appropriately interact with people who
have left the church. His advice is applicable to us today:
“Please don’t preach to them. Your [LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters] already know the Church’s teachings. They don’t need another lecture! What they need, what we all need, is love and understanding, not judging. Share your positive experiences of living the gospel. The most powerful thing you can do is share your spiritual experiences with family and friends in a non-preachy way. Also, be genuinely interested in their lives—their successes and challenges. Always be warm, gentle, loving and kind” (BYU, “BYU Devotional: Elder Ballard’s ‘questions and answers,’" 13 Nov. 2017, source).
And I promise,
right now is not the time to preach to our LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters about
the doctrines and policies in the church regarding same-sex relationships.
Especially because we honestly haven’t drilled down, as a church, how the Lord
would like us to apply the doctrine that “marriage is between a man and a
woman” at the moment.
Because while there isn’t currently a doctrine about who a
person can date, it is doctrine that we
are all children of the same Father, who loves us all the same. And, in
fact, we are commanded to love our
neighbor – which is second only to the first great commandment to love God.
The prophet Nephi
teaches in the Book of Mormon:
Nephi also explains, quoting Isaiah, how we can apply
those teachings in our lives:
Behold, hath [the Lord] commanded any that they should depart out of the synagogues, or out of the houses of worship? Behold, I say unto you, Nay.
Hath he commanded any that they should not partake of his salvation? Behold I say unto you, Nay; but he hath given it free for all men; and he hath commanded his people that they should persuade all men to repentance.
Behold, hath the Lord commanded any that they should not partake of his goodness? Behold I say unto you, Nay; but all men are privileged the one like unto the other, and none are forbidden.
(2 Nephi 26:26-28)
Please Be Nice
If the Lord, at some future date, reveals through the
Prophet that church doctrine includes a ban on same-sex dating, so be it. In the
meantime, please stop preaching to our LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters that their
romantic relationships are against the doctrine. They’re not. They’re against
the policy (maybe? Depending on how these changes to the General Handbook play
out), but they’re not against the doctrine.
In the meantime, while the leaders of the church are
seeking clarification from the Lord about this policy, please, let’s try to
show a lot more love and understanding to our LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters. They’ve
been through a lot. They’re hurting. And they’re children of God, just the same
as the rest of us. We have a responsibility to love them, as God loves all of us.
The References
Handbook 2 (“Obsolete”, source)
Section 21.4.6, “Homosexual Behavior and Same-Gender
Attraction”
If members engage in homosexual behavior, Church leaders should help them have a clear understanding of faith in Jesus Christ, the process of repentance, and the purpose of life on earth.
While opposing homosexual behavior, the Church reaches out with understanding and respect to individuals who are attracted to those of the same gender.
If members feel same-gender attraction but do not engage in any homosexual behavior, leaders should support and encourage them in their resolve to live the law of chastity and to control unrighteous thoughts. These members may receive Church callings. If they are worthy and qualified in every other way, they may also hold temple recommends and receive temple ordinances.
General Handbook (Current as of February 2020, source)
Section 38.6.12, “Same-Sex Attraction and Same-Sex
Behavior”
The circumstances of some faithful members do not allow them to receive the blessings of eternal marriage and parenthood in this life. They will receive all promised blessings in the eternities, provided they keep the covenants they have made with God (see Mosiah 2:41).
The Church provides the following resources to better understand and support people whose lives are affected by same-sex attraction:
“Same-Sex Attraction,” Gospel Topics, topics.ChurchofJesusChrist.org
“Same-Sex Attraction,” Life Help, ChurchofJesusChrist.org
Section 38.6.13, “Same-Sex Marriage”
Only a man and a woman who are legally and lawfully wedded as husband and wife should have sexual relations. Any other sexual relations, including those between persons of the same sex, are sinful and undermine the divinely created institution of the family.
BYU Honor Code
The original “homosexuality” section of BYU’s honor code
stated (prior to February 2020):
The current BYU honor code
has removed this section altogether. Students approached the BYU HCO to seek
clarification about what the removal of this section meant, and “confirmed
[that] gay dating is okay, kissing and hand holding from the mouth of an HCO
counselor” (CNN, “Brigham Young University removes ‘homosexual behavior’ as an
honor code violation, so same-sex couples might be allowed to kiss and hold
hands,” 21 Feb. 2020, source).
The same day, BYU sent a couple of ambiguous tweets suggesting that students
may have misrepresented the policy.
On 4 March 2020, the CES Education Board released a statement “clarifying”
this change to the honor code (Church News, “Church provides clarifying
statement on Honor Code language for BYU, other Latter-day Saint schools,” source).
The statement is pictured here.
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